The Last Post from Guatemala
Today is the day....we go home. Things are not really going as well as I had hoped. Sydney and I are really having a hard time. Honestly, there's no bond there yet......none. I simply feel a lot like a babysitter/diaper changer/bottle maker(yep still taking 4-5 cereal bottles a day)........................a glorified nanny. Now, let me preface what I am about to say with this:
When Sydney is happy, the whole world smiles with her. The sun shines and the birds sing. All the fairies in the land are laughing! We can play. She gives kisses and hugs like crazy. Everything is ok. Get my drift?
Syd is the MOODIEST(most stubborn, strong willed) child I have ever seen. Ya'll can tell me about her "grieving, transition, adjustment, etc" all day long and I will still look you dead in the eye and say she's the MOODIEST kid I have ever seen. I have seen some of this with her fostermom. Tantrums that can blow an eardrum, will turn off and on in the blink of an eye over stuff like:
a diaper change
changing clothes(b/c she's peeing through everything due to the amount of liquids per day)
coming back in the room
taking off her shoes at bedtime
getting off the elevator
getting on the elevator
a bath
I know things will get better once we are home and everyone has their own space. Once she sees how the boys are with me and how they have to mind as well. And really, being cooped up together for 10 days in a hotel room has been an experience I'd just as soon forget to be honest. You can only do so much walking the hotel, playing with the toys that we brought and going "out". Add in sheer exhaustion on my part and you have a recipe for disaster. This hotel bed has been no good for my back in light of my relatively recent back surgery.
Alan and I did have a VERY LONG talk yesterday after I had about the 10th crying spell. We are on the same page and he knows that he's going to have to be patient with me. I know I am exhausted and emotionally spent. it's been a long 2 years and ya know, I didn't "sign up" for a toddler but I have one. I'm going to be adjusting, transitioning too and to be perfectly honest...............I am scared to death. Not to mention a little call to my GP tomorrow for an anxiety med refill. Should have been taking that again weeks ago!!
Anywho --- I'm just trying to get through the day. The airport. The car ride home. Fortunately, it will be late when arrive home(9pm or so). After a day like today and all the hustle/bustle of getting home, I am hoping and praying that we all collapse. In bed. At home!
**Be nice with the comments or I will turn it off again. I don't need criticism. I feel badly enough on my own, thanks.**
19 comments:
Kristi,
I've followed your blog for the longest time. I have my DD at home because of you and Jamie. My DD has a temper too on top of the adjustment and bonding, so I understand you completely. I know she has a strong temper and most of her issues are not attachment but the temper. Plus, it is my opinion, and no offense to anyone, but little girls are just different than little boys (mine is a screamer!) Anyway, I don't have any magic advice. I just wanted to post for whatever it is worth to say that you have my support and that I know exactly what you are going through.
Safe travels. I'm so relieved that you are coming home.
Valerie
Kristi,
We are 6 months home today with our 5-year old, and I know what you mean - she seems to be the moodiest child I've ever seen (and we have an 8-year-old drama queen --- this one's much worse). We were also down there in a hotel room, but only for 6 days, and I thought I was going to go crazy! It's been TOUGH adjusting for all of us, but it's getting better. I'm starting to bond. Good luck on the plane, and I'm sure it will feel wonderful to be home, and sleep in your own bed. You're in my prayers.
Kristi,
You are going to get through this. You are going to make it one day at a time, or one minute at a time. You are going to keep loving her and doing what you know is right to help her attach. She is going to grieve and be angry for a while, and guess who her target is going to be. Then, one day, you will wake up and realize that things are a little better. Then, one day you will realize that things are even better. You will reach the long term goal, you just have to survive the short term steps. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel like things aren't moving in the right direction. Have you read some of the attachment books? They are full of good ideas and also would help you realize that you are so not alone. Things will get better, they really will! Deep breaths, and one day at a time (or one minute at a time). You can do this!!!!
This transition time is SO hard. You are exactly correct in that being cooped up in a hotel room is enough to challenge any relationship - or begin one in the case of you and Sydney. Getting home to Alabama will help tremendously.
Until Sydney begins to form a bond with you, try (and it's hard, I was there, too) try try to remember that at least she is bonding with Alan. AND USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE! Caleb would not listen to me for anything. But if I told him it was "Daddy's ___________" that he was wrecking/destroying/touching/punching/etc. then he would stop. To this day, it's "Daddy's carpet, daddy's TV, daddy's wall, daddy's whatever." HUMPH...could it be Daddy's laundry so that he had to do it? :)
E-mail me if you need to vent. It's a very difficult process...but we are now at the point where the bad memories have all been replaced by the good ones we now have with Caleb. Your time WILL come - she will be YOUR girl (and then you'll be wishing she'd leave your makeup and shoes alone!!!!)
Hugs,
Kris
http://ourjourneytocaleb.blogspot.com
Unlike the pp I don't know what you're going thru - but I wanted to say that I'm praying for you and Sydney and your sons and your husband. You've hung in for 2 years to bring Sydney into your family. Keep hanging in there. And know that there are many of us out here in blog land following your story with prayers and empathy and hope that everything will work out in time.
Safe Travels and I hope you get a good night sleep in your own bed!
Kristi, I'm praying for you to have a smooth travel day. Hopefully she will sleep alot on the plane! You know I live close so please let me know if I can do anything for you when you get home!
Oh Kristi! I have been following your adoption story for the past 2 years. I have laughed with you and cried with you along the way. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during the transition. Wishing you the very best!
Kristi,
Sending you lots of love and prayers! As you know adjustment does go both ways and I felt like this when we were on pick-up trip. DS was 15 months and everything is so hard anyway but throw in toddlerhood on top of that and it is enough to send you over the edge sometimes!
You have had a long horrible ordeal and I am sure you have had your heart on a shelf protecting it from all of this mess. It will take some time for it to open back up!
Don't feel guilty, you are not alone!
Hugs!
I just want to say that I will pray for you and your family to overcome the obstacles, and just know that everything will fall in place.
Roll tide!!
Kristi,
I've been following your journey on A.com and then on your blog. Our daughters are about the same age. DD is 2 today!
Anyway, I feel for you and I think you are an amazing woman to be able to admit what you're going through. My daughter came home at 9 months and now at 2 years old the tantrums and severe mood swings are enough to drive me insane...so I can only IMAGINE what you are going through starting off with a 2 year old! My daughter is VERY moody as well.
I take it one tantrum at a time.
It WILL be hard and I hope you know that there are alot of us out here who support you!
HUGS and PRAYERS!!
Jen
Praying for you guys!!!
:)April
I think it must be something with these little girls. Our DD came home at nine months and is now 18 months and has a temper like I have never seen. We started developmental and speech therapy hoping to work thru everything. Our son was so much easier and laid back. These Guate. girls are just divas!
Kristi....my heart so goes out to you. Sure...there is transition, attachment, and anxiety on Sydney's part.....that's normal. But DON'T FORGET that there is also two-year-oldness, crazy drama guata-queen, and firey hot temper on her part too and that's (scarily enough) normal too. Her crazy mood swings sound VERBATIM like what Carolyn is doing. And...Carolyn spends a LOT of time in the corner lately. :{ I go around thinking "and when she was good she was very very good, and when she was bad she was...." and usually fill in my own adjective of choice. The girl has actually set off the glass break alarm in our house when she throws a fit! So....I really do believe that it is a great idea for you to show from day one that certain behavior will not be tolerated. Just as you are getting to know her, she is also getting to know you....and the mommy she will come to know is one who sets loving limits for her. She will adjust to those limits, and she will attach to you. When we were in GC Carolyn really preferred Barrett over me....but when we came home it totally switched. For about 2-3 weeks she would scream and get away from him whenever he walked into the room. Then it evened out. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE DOING IT. YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. I know you don't think so...I know you are scared and I know this just sucks right now. It WILL get better....I promise. I'm here if you need anything....or just want to vent. Just get that crazy kidddo home and then you can figure out the "new" normal, ok???
Shannon (shanpine)
http://shannondawn.squarespace.com/
Home sweet home - you will be there soon!! What a wonderful feeling it will be when you reach Alabama. Hang in there girl....you've made it this far in this journey!! I am sure there may be many bumpy days ahead - but you will get through them one day at a time - just like you got through the past two years. Thinking of you - remember to take good care of YOU too!
Hi Kristi, I'm sure you don't remember me, I remember you from the A.com forums. I have been following your journey since we started the process with our little one who has been home almost a year and a half. She came home at 9 months, and I was in NO WAY prepared for what was to come. I can only imagine what it would have been like if she were 2 at homecoming. We had attachment/bonding issues around every corner, but A LOT of the issues were ME. It took me a long time to not feel ashamed in saying that. But hey it is what it is and after I said it out loud I found out there were so many others going through the same struggle I was. My princess would push me away (same major temper issues too), and I would push right back. I think I was just (still am) so afraid of having my heart broken and darn sure she was afraid of the same. And we pushed each other farther and farther away. Not a fun time, and not to scare you, but it took us along time to START to build a true bond...like a YEAR long. Sorry for the long post, but just wanted to be sure you knew you are not alone, you are NOT a bad mom or bad person. If you ever need to talk or vent or anything please don't hesitate to email me. aandbruston@charter.net Take care and have a safe trip home, hope it goes well. HUGS!! Amy Ruston
I have followed your blog for quite a while now and am happy you are finally bringing your precious daughter home. Please try to be patient. It is going to take time for her and you to bond. I am sure it is super scary. Just try, as hard as it is, to remember that she is a baby/child and does not completely understand what is going on.
Please make sure to take time out for yourself as well and take advantage of her bond with your husband.
Take care! Can't wait to see pictures of your family together!!! I will pray for you all.
Kristi...my heart goes out to you. Yes, Sydney is dealing with attachment/fear/stranger issues. That's normal. She is ALSO dealing with "I'm two"/"I've been treated as a princess my whole life"/"I'm a crazy moody guata-girl" issues...and that's (scarily enough) normal too. Carolyn is almost two, and spends the majority of her time lately screaming NO and waving her arms at me while simultaneously jumping up and down. It's scary really. Carolyn has also had some SERIOUS corner time lately too. The trickiest part for you is that right now you are trying to distinguish between "attachment" and "re-directable behavior." That's super super hard. Just remember...that while you are getting to know Sydney....she is ALSO getting to know you. In other words, she is getting to know what limits she has, what her mommy will and will not tolerate, and what the rules are. She WILL adjust to that...and I think that making that stuff clear now...like you ARE doing....is a wonderful start.
When we were in GC Carolyn really really preferred her dad. When we got home, after 2-3 days, she totally switched. She would scream and freak out every time he walked INTO the room. That lasted several weeks, and then evened out. Maybe Syd's daddy just reminds her of her favorite teddy bear :) right now and so she is more cuddly with him????
What a hard yucky time. You CAN do this....and it WILL pass. I'm here for listening, advice, venting comparisons, prayer, or anything you need. Hang in there honey....you ARE on the homeward stretch!
Shannon (shanpine)
I agree my 6 year Guat princess is the moodiest most spirted child I have ever seen. I love her dearly but parenting her has been very hard. It seems like in reading different blogs/forums there is a trend of spirted little Guat Princess coming home being raised and it has been very hard on a lot of families who have been shell shocked on how hard it is. I think the topic of raising strong willed children needs to be addressed by all adoption agencies especially Guatemala adoptions.
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