Raw Emotion and Random Thoughts -

I just don't even know where to begin. This visit was such a whirlwind, last minute, can't believe I am going 48 hours!!!! WHEW...makes me tired again just thinking about it....oh wait. No, I am tired because I am waking up off and on all night long with every noise or bump.

The joys of being the Momma, I guess.

I have had lots of time to sit and ponder the "new rules" under which we are being scrutinized. I have had plenty of time to feel the heartache intensify hearing all the horror stories coming from different adoptive families. I have had time to sit and look at my daughter. The little girl caught in the middle of all this junk. To sit and think about my foster family and how much they will endure if and when she leaves them. It makes me want to scream until I have no more voice. Until I have no breath. Until I have no more pain!!

While I am thrilled to death that I came to visit Sydney, I do wonder if it was the right thing to do? Was it fair at this point to come see her because she's at such an age that she is INCREDIBLY attached to Vivi? Was it fair to me because she only half way seems to know who I am? It's actually difficult and wonderful to hear her call me Momma. I have waited so long to hear her call that out to me.

Unfortunately, Sydney finds more comfort in her stroller than in her Momma's arms and no one seems to care.

Was this my last time to see her because we DO NOT know what the future holds for these kids? As much as I try to claim and believe that she will come home, I honestly do not know! I hate what this journey has done to me. What it has to done to my family. What it has done to my friends. What it has done to people I don't even know!!! I hate that NO ONE will step in and help us even though they are the ones that caused this to happen.

I am angry.

I am sad.

I am hurt.

I am confused.

I am heartbroken.

But I am still her Momma and I will fight for her!

Lastly, I am so thankful to Nat for allowing me this time with my daughter, Lou and Essie Kate. I am sad that she did not get to come hold Coban but she atleast got to see him on webcam Saturday afternoon. He is just as cute as can be! So, thank you Nat for going the extra mile for me. Thank you Lou for telling Nat that you wanted me to come with you!! I am definitely blessed beyond measure!!! Having said all that, I know that this is the LAST time I will see her until she comes home. The pain is too much to bear.

Please just keep Guatemala in your prayers.........