I knew it would happen eventually

and this morning it did. After this last trip to Guatemala, Luke has been insanely interested in seeing Sydney's pics and videos. Almost every time I sit down with the laptop, Luke wants to see her "MOVIES". So, we watch a clip or two and he loves it. This morning, my heart was gripped in sadness as he began "playing" with Sydney. He'll be playing in the den and kind of mumbling, like kids do and I'll pick up something something something....See Sydney. Then he and AJ went outside and he looked at Alan and pointedly said "This one for Sydney.", about something.

Luke talks about his "sister Sydney", but it makes me wonder what he really thinks. I mean, we talk about Alabama football and other stuff but all we do is talk about it. It doesn't "mean" much. Right now Sydney is a little girl that he visited a year ago in Guatemala City. A little girl that his Mommy and Daddy keep visiting. We come back with a bunch of pictures and gifts but no little girl that we keep saying will come home to live with us.

I am so ready to see my kids playing together. I am ready for Sydney to stop being someone we just talk about. I am ready to not have to think about this anymore. I am ready to post happy things and funny brother sister stories. I am ready to stop being a "glass half empty" girl. I am tired of feeling like a total nutjob with my up and down posts.

I am ready for my daughter.