As I was driving home today, I passed countless church signs that had all those fun little messages and bible verses on them. I passed a sign that said "Be still and know that I am God........". It was at that moment that I realized that:
- I have NO idea how to be still anymore;
- I have NO idea how to listen for God's voice anymore;
- I have NO idea what God's voice sounds like anymore;
- I have NO idea how to see the signs regarding this adoption;
- I have NO idea how I have made it this far;
- I have NO idea how I am going to make it the rest of the way;
- I feel as though I have lost my faith in everything;
- I am tired of being tired of being so crabby;
- I am tired of no one knowing what's going on;
- I am tired of the rules changing as the GAME is played;
- I need my girl home;
- I have NO idea how to get out of this pit that I am in.
All this coming from the girl that was raised in church. That was TOTALLY involved in church. A girl that now has no desire to go to church because she knows something is going to come up about the adoption. Someone is going to ask about Luke and then the conversation will turn to Sydney. Then I will have to put on my "strong face" and try to explain, for the 4,789,245,320 time, what's happening....while fighting back the tears. Then I have to hear "You are so strong. That is one lucky little girl. Wow, what is taking so long? You know it's all in God's time." I could go on but I think you get the picture.
6 comments:
Kristi....that sure sounds a lot like me! Lord, please give us strength and HOPE!!!
I totally get the picture Kristi! I feel like I am in a deep, dark hole with no light to show me the way out. I want my life back and myself back. I don't know where she's gone. I am with you, you're not alone.
Kristi,
My Roll Tide friend. I know how you feel, I have been there. My first adoption, without the aid of these wonderful blogs, without an agent who knew what in the name of God was going on down there--I knew more than her, and as a single woman, felt all these feelings you posted. My first daughter is a "Hague 03/04 baby." Not a title I am fond of calling her. I felt so alone in that ordeal. Even though WE don't see God, or feel him, or hear him, HE SEES us, HOLDS us, and HEARS us. He is waiting patiently and lovingly for you, right where you left him. He loves you, your family, and Sydney. Each day try to find 1 or 2 little things to be grateful for: Sydney has an awesome foster family (some do not); Luke didn't drown, he's laughing, playing with a toy, or squabbling with AJ; you have your health; SO MANY of us out in cyberland LOVE you are PRAYING for you and are CRYING with you thru this. You have a sweet husband who is living this with you, I hope one day I can find my "Alan" like you, my friend.
I wanted to punch anyone who asked me about my case for the umpteenth time. I wanted to scream when I heard or read about another baby coming home before mine. Well, you go punch a pillow, then hold it to your mouth and scream. Let it out. It's is alright to do that. Keep posting your frustrations and fears right here, we are your friends, not your judges.
And here's is who you are since you are beginning to forget:
You are a wonderful mother, a great wife, a fan of the BEST FOOTBALL team at THE best university in the universe, a warrior for orphans, a champion of the underdog, a very funny gal, someone I admire (MANY do!) and am DYING to hear why you were kicked off of A.COM, you're passionate for what is right and fair, and, most importantly, you are child of the Most High King, a joint heir with Christ.
I love you cyber friend,
terri in virginia
Kristi,
I've been checking in here off and on for a while, but don't remember if I've ever commented before or not.
I'll second most of what Terri above said.
Also, my opinion is that church of all places should be a place you don't have to put on your strong face. God is able and therefore his people should be able to take it (and lift you up) if you're not doing well. The Psalms are full of rage interspersed with the peace we like to think about.
It got to the point with us, that if someone just had to know, they would ask me and not my wife, or she would just give them the blog address, and ask them to keep up that way. There were the occasional few who'd say something ridiculous, but most began to respect that we didn't always want to answer questions about it over and over.
I'm praying for you. -T
Kristi I check this blog every day. My heart breaks for you daily and I had no idea what to say to you about this post, but I am so glad that God gave someone much smarter and stronger than me the words written above (Terri). Just know that we all are here for you and love you. I pray daily for your family here and afar. The hardest lesson God has taught me, and is still teaching me, is to be patient and then to be still and listen to Him. God knows your heart is breaking and I know he is whispering words of comfort. Just sit still and listen when you have days like this. Or call me and scream at me!!!!!! I love you! Susan
You are totally normal. It is very hard to be still at this time. Redirecting the frustration is difficult too. You just have to force yourself. Feel free to unload on me. God knows I have on you.
btw... Ana's tye-dye came from Crossroads (72 and Nance).
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