~*~*~ REFLECTIONS ~*~*~

Get a snack.....this is a long one:

Let me start by thanking all the wonderful people in my life that helped us make this last trip a reality. Without the generosity you showed, I would have had to wait until our pick up trip to see my daughter again. YIKES!! Don't like the thought of that at all. I can tell you is that Alan and I will pay it forward.

It's hard to believe I have been home for 2 days now. It's been a crazy week but one that I wouldn't trade for anything. No, I didn't get to stay with my daughter as I had planned. No, I didn't necessarily "LIKE" that I had to give her back to her fostermom. No.....nothing really went like I thought it was going to but God knew that it was going to work out that way. It was in HIS plan to work out this way, not ours!

Seeing our daughter again was WONDERFUL....No, it was FABULOUS!!! She really did adjust to us VERY well! Better than I could have imagined actually. Things were moving right along and going great(well, except for her temper tantrums). We were a little anxious but I think that anyone in my shoes would have felt that way too. We got all our stuff together and headed towards Antigua on Saturday. Unfortunately, after we got there, God started closing doors pretty emphatically!

The fear in both mine and Alan's bellies upon arrival was more than just being anxious! The thought of staying there all by myself was almost debilitating for both of us. It was awful and all I could do was cry my heart out. I cried out of fear. I cried out of sadness. I cried because I felt I had failed not only my daughter but myself, my family, my friends, my fostermom - all the people that helped me get there. It was gut-wrenching and I was not prepared for the depth of the emotion I felt.

Alan and I talked for a loooong time while we were in Antigua that afternoon. WE made the decision to go back to the city(at 8pm) and look at the possibilities there. We managed to get the LAST hotel room at the Grand Tikal(thanks Mom) and be comfy that night. Sunday morning came and we were still planning on me staying to foster. Alan began preparing to leave and let me tell you, saying goodbye to my husband was awful!! AWFUL!!! Many of you know how the fear of him leaving affected me.

Alan left and told me that I needed to give it a try. I told him, through my tears, that I would. Around 12, Sydney needed a nap and I needed some time to get my thoughts in order. I put my girl down and laid down on the bed to spend some time with God. I prayed so hard. prayed for an answer; a calming presence; something...anything to help me know what to do. After a little while, I drifted off to sleep. I guess I had a "dream" and when I woke up, it became CRYSTAL CLEAR what I should do and oddly enough after all that praying, I fought God. I mean FOUGHT Him about this decision. I was telling him I NEEDED to be there with my daughter. That I NEEDED this time with her so when we get home she'll be "ok" with her new home because I will be there with her and she'll be used to me.

When I FINALLY stopped and listened to what He had to say to me, I had a peace that settled my soul like nothing I had ever felt before. God was telling me that my kids at home needed because I was what they were used to and Sydney was fine with Viviana because that was what she was used to. Also that God himself had HAND SELECTED "V" to be our fostermom because he knew that she would love Sydney as much as I do. Alan was SOMEWHERE in the air between GC and Atlanta and I couldnt call him. As soon as I knew he was where I could talk to him, I called. I told him what I was doing and he supported me completely ---- he felt it too.

People have asked me if we really thought this all the way through? Why couldn't we just make it work? Yes, I checked things out thoroughly and was quite excited about the IDEA of fostering. We checked things out COMPLETELY before we went to Guatemala. I had EVERY intention of staying in Guatemala until the end of the ride. We prayed SO INCREDIBLY HARD about the decision to make this trip. We knew that God wanted us to go down there. There was NEVER any doubt that we were doing the right thing.

Notice that this post has been talking a lot about what "I/WE WANTED/NEEDED". The following link, is something I found today that explains how I have handled this whole. Amazing that this man wrote this FOR ME and didn't even know it!!

http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/be_still_and_know_that_i_am_god

Well, God had the last word. God's last word was this:

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).